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Spots

1/22/2013

16 Comments

 
Out, damned spot! Out, I say!   
Lady Macbeth in Shakespeare's Macbeth, Act 5, Scene 1
I know why old women often wear prints. Prints camouflage spots. 

A few years ago I began suspecting that wearing prints might be a good strategy for me. My fairly ample bosom is a magnet for all types of consumables. If I drink any beverage in a moving vehicle, some of it is sure to splash on my chest. Ice cream? Splat. Anything with tomatoes? Splatter. Chocolate? Smudge. Frankly, my wardrobe could double as a food journal. 

The problem is I'm not really fond of wearing prints. Prints make their own statement. On me, the statement is "I am middle-aged and need to lose a few pounds."  I prefer solid colors. And I really like white - long-sleeved Ts in the winter, tanks in the summer - because white feels fresh and works with everything. It also makes a fabulous backdrop for all manner of stains. 

My talent for turning meals and snacks into wearable art has become an on-going joke between G and me. For a recent road trip, I packed 6 white t-shirts and a few pairs of jeans. I figured the travel uniform would help simplify things since I wouldn't have to decide what to wear each day. It truly was a good plan -- until a few hours into the first day's ride. That's when some coffee bypassed my lips and plopped warmly onto my chest, creating a pattern reminiscent of mud-splatter on snow. G, who was driving, made some kind of snorting sound, but kept his eyes focused on the road. 

That was the start. Each clean shirt donned was a canvas waiting for its stain-of-the-day.  At the end of one particularly tiring day, we decided to share a hot fudge sundae. Our spoons were clinking the bottom of the dish when G started to comment on the fact my shirt was still pristine. Before his observation could be fully verbalized, a blob of dark fudge propelled itself like a parachutist from the spoon to my shirt, leaving a chocolaty trail several inches long. G's face and body silently segued into laugh-mode while my emotions battled between being totally ticked off or acknowledging the humor in such obvious irony. I chose to laugh. By the time we got home from our journey, four of the shirts sported souvenirs from dining misadventures.

Last week I reached into the closet and grabbed a green linen shirt I'd worn for a few hours the night before. After brushing my teeth, I noticed what appeared to be a water spot. I made it bigger by rubbing it with a wet cloth (just in case there was toothpaste mixed with the water.) Fifteen minutes later, it was clear the original spot was not water. Sugar. I was running late, so I pulled on a print tunic that is comfortable but not particularly flattering. While waiting at a stop light, I glanced down at my shirt. Smack in the middle of my chest was an area the size of a quarter where the complex black/silver/gray pattern sat on a background of tan instead of white. How could I have missed it when I looked in the mirror??

And that is really the point. With print, I did miss the stain. I like to think the people I came in face-to-face contact with that day also missed it. But I knew that spot was there, and that leaves me with a dilemma. Do I clear out the solid-colored tops and stock my closet with an assortment of prints that will daily declare, "I am middle-aged, need to lose a few pounds, but you can't see my spots?" Or, when the pre-soak and bleach stops working, do I toss the tattle-tale solids and replace them with new canvases?

Perhaps I should hang on to dependable wardrobe staples - especially fresh, go-with-everything white. Since my memory isn't quite as sharp as it used to be, at least the splats, splatters, and smudges will remind me what I ate that day. 
16 Comments
Shel Harrington link
1/21/2013 01:33:53 pm

Prints will be my new best friends - especially on spaghetti day. So what if they're not flattering - I'll be sitting at the table!

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Natine
1/22/2013 09:31:48 am

I appreciate that you always set the bar and take the lead, Sis! Hugs...

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cmk link
1/22/2013 07:50:07 am

The Husband has been threatening to buy me bibs for many, many years now...I feel you pain. :)

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Natine
1/22/2013 09:32:44 am

Tell him you'd like your bibs to be print, CMK! Hahahahaha...

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cmk link
1/23/2013 03:44:32 am

I just never thought of wearing prints as a way of hiding my spillage. :D Sounds like a plan...

Sharon
1/22/2013 10:55:04 am

My mother always declared that us Massmann girls were born with holes in our chins and a rack to catch the drips with!!! I feel your pain and will definitely be wearing a solid color on Saturday!!!

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Natine
1/23/2013 11:10:40 am

Will be right there with you, Sharon!

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Dee Dee Chumley link
1/22/2013 12:13:22 pm

I too have developed the inability to target my mouth with food, but in addition to wearing the evidence on my clothes, I often wear it on my face as well. I told my daughter just last week I think I've lost all sensitivity around my lips. Otherwise, why would I not feel that cookie crumb or clump of chocolate stuck just above, below, or beside my mouth?!!

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Natine
1/23/2013 11:44:55 am

I am so laughing, Dee Dee! Had no idea this situation was going to resonate with so many people!

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Danae
1/22/2013 02:50:53 pm

This just serves as more proof that we are related. I'm partial to certain colors also but if you need a good print to hide spots I got plenty of Army camoflauge :)

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Tia Natine
1/23/2013 11:45:28 am

Camo will work, Danae! :)

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Bonnee
1/25/2013 04:12:46 am

I hear you loud and clear. I feel sometimes prints make this old lady feel older so I brave it and I even where white on spaghetti night! Yes I have ruined things but whatever...I am lucky enough to go buy a new one. If only they made print wearables to go down my legs from a swimsuit!!!

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Jennifer
1/29/2013 01:07:56 pm

This made me literally laugh out loud (startling more than one animal in my otherwise dark and quiet bedroom). Thank you.

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Natine
1/31/2013 12:28:38 am

So happy to hear it did, Jenn! Apparently wearing food on our chests resonates with a lot of us! Thanks for letting me know. :)

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Annie Bonannie
2/1/2013 09:08:24 am

Add me to the LOL club. Do they make shirts for men w/ these same prints?

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Natine
2/3/2013 07:27:18 am

Oh Bonannie! How FUN to see your spotty presence! Agreed - guys need 'em too!

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