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Good-bye Girl

7/17/2018

23 Comments

 
PictureI miss them...
In the adult community where I live, saying good-bye is common. People leave for cooler climates in the summers, or sell their homes so they can return to places and family they left behind, or move to senior health care facilities, or go to their eternal homes. It’s part of life’s rhythms. But late December began what I have dubbed my personal “year of good-byes.” Among the ten people I know who have passed away as of this writing, three were friends my age who lost battles with cancer, and one – the hardest for me – was my dad. ​
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I had thought when my official retirement began in January, I’d jump into doing some of the things I always said I’d do “when I retire.” What I have actually done in much of my potentially productive time is thinking. It’s become clear to me there are some things that I’m not going to do after all, not because I can’t, but because I really don’t want to anymore. Ironically, while that realization is liberating – I can stop feeling guilty about not yet doing [fill in the blank] – it’s also daunting. I’m now facing the questions of what do I want to do, and what do I need to do to make things happen. It’s at this point that my life-long nemesis Procrastination shows up. Don’t think about it right now, she says. Post on Facebook. Play some Spider or Words With Friends, she says. Watch some television. You have plenty of time. And suddenly the first seven months of retirement has evaporated. Poof! ​​

​While I do succumb to the tempting distractions mentioned, they’re not the sum total of what I do these days. I spend lots of time with my mom who is grieving the loss of the man she was married to for 70 years. As the only one of her offspring living nearby, I am her chauffeur, consoler, encourager, entertainment-provider, business adviser, personal assistant, and sometimes biggest source of irritation. Her transition into widowhood is redefining our roles in each other’s life; I am needing to find different ways to navigate our relationship, particularly in regard to how I respond to differences of opinion.

One frequent source of conflict between us is her desire to have something done as soon as she articulates it, and my desire to do things when it’s convenient for me. For example, she says, “I baked some cookies and there’s a bag on the counter for you.” I might respond, “I’ll pick them up this afternoon.” She gets irritated because what she really meant was “I baked some cookies and I’d like you take the bag on the counter with you now” and what I really meant was “I’m not finished my exercise walk (or whatever) and I’ll come back to get them when I’m done.” Stupid conversations like this are now dangerous; she’s already on an emotional roller coaster and it’s my job to protect her to the degree I am able. So I am making the effort to take action immediately – without rolling my eyes – when she makes a comment or “suggestion.” An unexpected benefit of changing my behavior pattern in this situation is that I’m feeling the urge to apply the change to other parts of my life. ​
And so I am about to say yet another good-bye: for nearly five years, I’ve invested untold hours and the bulk of my creative juices into a Facebook page featuring my Corgi furkids. Through that project I’ve communicated with people from around the world, developed social media and photo-enhancement skills, helped with fund-raisers, advocated for rescues, laughed and cried with other pet owners, and even made a few friendships that have crossed into my non-FB world. It’s been a venture of the heart. It’s time, though, to let it go. In the upcoming days, my Corgis will let their friends and followers know they are closing down their page. And then it will go dark. ​
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Picture
I'll miss this, too.

​I hope the result of this difficult decision will be more time and a renewed surge of creative energy that can be focused on different endeavors, some of those things I said I’d do “when I retired.” My heart grieves the losses of my friends and Dad, but I cherish what I learned from each of them and how they made my life much richer. I expect I will be able to say the same about this good-bye, too. ​

#good-byegirl   #corgicharacters  #newventures
23 Comments
Beth Clark
7/17/2018 09:33:59 pm

The first year of my retirement was similar in that it took time to figure out what retirement meant for me and how to choose priorities so I had a balance of restoration and fulfillment. Similarly, I had a mother who wanted things done on her schedule even if that meant a greater burden on mine - a difficult balance between recognizing her needs and honoring my own. Now I prioritize by asking myself, "If I were to die next week, what would I most like to have accomplished?".or "If I die next week will that really matter." These questions and greater recognition of my mortality make decision making a heck of a lot easier!

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Natine
7/18/2018 07:50:45 am

Those are good questions, Beth. I have a few guideline questions posted inside my medicine cabinet so I can see them daily; think I'll add yours to them. I'm figuring pretty soon I'll need to stop just thinking, and start acting! Hahahahaha...

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Ginny
7/17/2018 10:07:16 pm

Natine you have had a year of insurmountable change. As you process each of these closures I know you will always look up and see the hand that reaches to hold you, making sure you never completely fall. Change is hard, but when they are final, those changes seem overwhelming. Although I am physically 1200 miles away, know I am always a text, email or call from being a shoulder to turn to. I love you my precious friend and may you find peace and comfort in the memories of each relationship.

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Natine
7/18/2018 07:59:06 am

Awwww, thanks, Gin. I do feel blessed that each of them did know I cared, as do the significant people in their lives who are left behind. And YOU are one of my hugest blessings; maybe some day that 1200 miles will be less. Hugs.

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Shel link
7/18/2018 12:19:30 am

I SO get it - especially our joint loss and our joint nemesis. 🙁I know the CC page is a tough one for you, but your fur kid divas are following in many classy footsteps by exiting in their prime and leaving their fans wanting more! Maybe we’ll see them in cameo appearances on another fun FB page!🤩

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Natine
7/18/2018 08:04:42 am

Love your comment about the timing of closing the page, Shel! I think there's some truth in that. Cameos? You'll have to talk to their agent. HAHAHAHAHA...

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Tom
7/18/2018 07:54:35 am

Tina, I learned something about you :-) What I did read between the lines is is what I've known since we were kids. You have a pure heart. Your heart will lead you into your future. God placed those talents and gifts in you long b4 you born. A dash of Mom and pinch of Dad made you so special. Maybe long forgotten, but you and your smile helped me (we were just teens) when my Dad left for heaven. Happy for you and your next path of choice. God bless

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Natine (Tina)
7/18/2018 08:15:06 am

I'm so delighted you remember a much nicer teen me than I remember, Tom! Your kind words and encouragement are a great way to begin my day. Thanks for reading and commenting. :-)

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George L. Shaw
7/18/2018 08:33:50 am

I know how difficult this is for you to do. You are a beautiful woman inside and out and I and the corgis love you for it.

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Natine
7/18/2018 12:05:26 pm

Thanks, Hon. (Envision heart emoticon here.)

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Dee Dee Chumley link
7/18/2018 01:19:11 pm

When I read you were giving up something, my first thought was “Oh no! She’s closing down her blog!” While I will miss your cute Corgi Characters, I’m so relieved you’ll still be blogging. Your posts aren’t frequent, but they’re definitely a case of quality over quantity, and I always find what you write resonates with me—like this post!
As in so many other areas of life, finding balance in retirement is challenging—that balance between just wanting to enjoy life and still being productive and engaged. I’m not sure it can ever be completely achieved but maybe there can be much quality of life in pursuing it.

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Natine
7/18/2018 01:34:46 pm

Thanks for your kind words and encouragement, Dee Dee. I'm hoping to blog a bit more now (she says optimistically.) BTW, I've read the poetry book and will share my thoughts with you; I want to reread some of the poems first. I really enjoyed it!

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Connie
7/18/2018 02:07:12 pm

I love you, every action you take or do not take, and every word you speak or do not speak. You just make so much sense to me. I, on the other hand, remain without aspirations beyond the hour. And I am ok with that. We have to be.

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Natine
7/18/2018 03:16:17 pm

You are always my inspiration to pack light and move when -- or if -- I feel like it, Connie. Love you, too -- it's a mutual lovefest! :-)

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Teri
7/20/2018 08:54:50 am

Tina, your words always move me but this one most especially. Your words about your responsibilities to your mom now with the loss of your dad brings back so many memories for me. My mom and dad have been gone for over ten years now and my life was forever changed. When Tony died suddenly three years ago I was once again reminded of how precious life is and how much of an impact each loss has on our lives. I’m reminded that life is fragile and should never be taken for granted. I think I hold my loved ones closer and remind myself that we are here for a short time. I know you will make the most of your time with your mom and try, try, try to enjoy your retirement and make time for yourself and George.

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Natine
7/21/2018 07:20:21 am

I am so sorry to read about Tony, Teri. I didn't know. You're right about life being precious, and I do feel privileged to be with Mom so much during this part of her life's journey. Thanks for your encouraging words. Hugs.

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chrkos
7/21/2018 09:08:17 am

I only wish I could suck it up and start having a more productive retirement time, but I'm still stuck in the bonds of procrastination. Oh well, one of these days...(famous last words.) :)

The Husband and I just had a conversation about if it had been my dad instead of my mom who passed this winter. Not only would I have had the 'you must do this IMMEDIATELY' experience, but I believe my mom would have been living with us by now. She didn't drive and there really is no public transportation where their house is (AND it is a very small, rural-ish town), so she would have depended on others for EVERYTHING. Thankfully, my dad is self sufficient and stubbornly so. A positive in a very sad situation.

All of my younger years saw my mother dealing with older relatives (women) who lived alone. She and my dad took care of her grandmother and several aunts, so I know all about the demands for immediacy. I don't know if there is a solution, because my mom never came up with one...and she had two small children to take care of at the same time she was fulfilling my g-grandmother's demands. Even at that early of an age, I remember how stressful it all was for Mom.

As you navigate this time, remember that a whole lot of people are lifting you up with prayer. You have people who are there for you, who will listen to you, and who won't let this become a terrible burden. (As sad as it is to think that a parent might become a 'burden,' it most definitely can happen. Age, loneliness, missing of the spouse who's gone, etc, can change a person and with it can come a person we never knew. It is a sad situation, but it happens far too often.) AND accept any offers of help...this, above all, is something you need to do.

And that concludes my 'words of wisdom,' such as they are. Hugs and prayers for you...from your Michigan sister in Christ.

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Natine
7/21/2018 01:24:11 pm

Sorry to read about your mom, CPK. Our family agrees that had Mom gone first, Dad probably wouldn't have lasted long. She was his motivation for keeping on keeping on, but he was not social and would not have embraced or tolerated (well) a lot of fussing from we kids. Mom's got a challenging week ahead: the floors in the common living area are going to be replaced (safety issue.) Keep those prayer fires burning! And I always enjoy and appreciate your words of wisdom! You and your guy are in my prayers, too.

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Laura Brill and Steve Cox
7/21/2018 11:46:03 am

We will miss your posts so so much. The only happy thing is that we have also retired this year and have so much love to give-after my husband's broken hip heals. We are finally going to acquire another corgi either through rescue, adoption or a puppy. Our five children are all grown -all through college and beyond living their best lives.. We enjoy our two grandchildren, our two grand cats and our three granddogs. Now we can enjoy our beloved corgi and enjoy this last quarter of our lives. Good luck to all-enjoy each day- as my cousin Bob Beckel always says yesterday is history live for today because tomorrow is a mystery! Good luck to you, your Mom, and your crybabies! We will miss you and treasure the days we all connected!

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Natine (& Gracie and Willie)
7/21/2018 01:27:58 pm

Thank you so much, Laura and Steve, for commenting; it touches my heart. I'm so excited for you that you'll be getting another Corgi! I hope the hip heals quickly and the best parts of retirement will commence! And thank you for being a part of our Corgi world. [insert heart icon]

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Brenda Carr link
7/22/2018 08:15:48 am

We will always be hear for you and thank you for being our friends! I understand what you are going thru. Have you in my heart always!

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Natine
7/22/2018 02:35:23 pm

Thanks, Brenda. I know where to find you and Jericho and gang, and I'll check in from time-to-time. [insert smiley face and wink!]

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Robin link
10/21/2018 09:56:03 am

Sounds like the thinking and figuring out that you're doing is something your Dad would've been proud of. :)

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