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Battle of the Cockroach

3/19/2013

15 Comments

 
The last few weeks have been rough. It's not the nasal drip that moved into my chest - there are drugs for that. It's not doing our taxes; those are done for another year. It's the increased activity of palmetto bugs.

For the uneducated, palmetto bugs are ginormous cockroaches prevalent in the south. Although they can't hurt a person - as in bite or sting - they are hideously ugly. They are the size of bald eagles (only a slight exaggeration.) They make clicking and hissing noises. They fly. They are the stuff of nightmares. MY nightmares.

I know the only way to get over fear is to confront it, but I can't bring myself to (wo)man up. On the contrary, fear of confrontation with one of those creepy critters holds me hostage in my bed at night when G is sleeping. I won't get up go to the bathroom, no matter how badly I may need to. If I can't sleep, I'm sure every sound I hear as I toss and turn is evidence of the enemy just lurking around waiting for an opportune moment to make my heart stop beating. Before entering a dark room, I snap on a light, pause, and scan walls, ceilings, and baseboards looking for any hint of movement. And if I see one? Well, in a pitch that can wake our deaf neighbors, I scream, "G--------!!!" 

Of course, G isn't always immediately available to deal with my irrational hysteria. On one occasion I spotted one of the monsters in the ceiling housing of our kitchen's florescent lights minutes after he'd left for work. I turned on the light (hoping to fry it) and positioned myself where I could keep an eye on it for most of the day. I called G to explain why the light would still be on when he got home in the wee hours of the morning. At some point during the night I awoke to noises coming from the kitchen, and knew G was removing the corpse. The next morning he shared the skin-crawling news it was still alive when he removed the housing panel, and it fell on him. I had to take a shower.

My most infamous p-bug face-off was The Battle of the Cockroach. G was gone, it was evening, and I was sitting at the kitchen counter finishing dinner. My sixth sense prickled before I actually spotted it moving along the baseboard. I sprang off the bar stool and grabbed a can of Raid while the dogs beat feet for safety. I sprayed sprayed sprayed as it moved first one way and then the next. Suddenly my feet lost traction on the bug spray-coated floor and I slammed down on my chin, but all I could think of is I am eye-level to a cockroach! I pulled myself up, ran for the broom, and came back swinging violently as it tried to escape into the next room. When the battle was over, I eyed the corpse, the slick floor, and the broom with its now-dented metal handle and all its plastic parts broken off. Then I walked several houses up the street to where my nearly 80-year-old parents were watching TV on their porch. Through the screen door I announced, "You need to come over for a drink." My father cleaned up the carnage, while I washed the kitchen floor. 

Once, after my mom had come over to remove an offender from my shower, it occurred to me that when I am 60, calling my 90-year-old mother to come kill a bug for me would be beyond ludicrous. And G can't stand guard over me every minute. The disgusting creatures come with the perks of living in a semi-tropical paradise. I am seriously looking for that retirement home...in Maine. 
15 Comments
cmk link
3/20/2013 05:42:00 am

The first time we were in Florida, a PB skittered across the floor of the house where we were staying. We were in the kitchen having breakfast and it went under the table. I didn't see any of this happening. Shortly after breakfast, we left to go back to South Carolina. The Husband--and his friend, who we were traveling with--didn't tell me about the bug until we had crossed through Georgia. I STILL shudder when I think about it, to this very day--and it's been almost 40 years!

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Natine
3/21/2013 05:26:02 am

Oh, bless those guys for NOT telling you! That is really my survival preference: if you see one, do NOT TELL me! Just get rid of it.

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cmk link
3/21/2013 07:56:00 am

I'm certain that SOMEONE would have fainted or had a heart attack if they HAD told me at the time. It either would have been me or someone who heard my blood curdling scream. :D Those most definitely were not the bugs I wanted to see down south... (And yes, a cockroach is a cockroach, no matter WHAT name you give them.)

Natine
3/23/2013 02:16:34 am

I am laughing hysterically at your response to Bonannie, CMK. You are so ME! I swear I once spotted a brown spider on a brown door from clear down a hallway. Sixth sense when it comes to knowing something creepy is in vicinity!

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Annie Bonannie link
3/20/2013 10:52:14 am

My irrational fear of spiders was partially cured when I felt compelled to capture one. Circa, 1997-98, early fall when critters on the northern plains like to move indoors. I discover a large and very hairy spider in the basement sink right next to the washer and dryer. Like your palmetto's, screaming had no affect (except to make me feel better). Single and living alone I needed to confirm the beast was not poisonous which left me no choice but to capture him in a peanut butter jar and haul him down to the county extension office for identification. I hand my jar to the woman at the desk. She looks at the spider, looks back at me and says, "He's pretty good sized. You were very courageous." To this day, I courageously scream at every spider that crosses my path. (P.S. The beast was not poisonous, generally we're too far north for poisonous spiders.)

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Natine
3/21/2013 05:28:06 am

I had no idea spiders spooked you, Bonannie! I always thought you were brave! I love that you still "courageously scream" - hahahahaha...I would not have cared if the spider you encountered was poisonous or not. I would have died just looking at it... :)

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cmk link
3/21/2013 08:02:22 am

I have been known to 'kill,' rather vigorously, spiders that I see on our dark carpeting/in darkened rooms. More times than not, the 'spiders' have turned out to be lint, pieces of thread, or cat fur. If spiders are in my space, their days are numbered. I don't courageously scream as often as I used to when I see spiders--unless I see one in the bathtub when I pull back the shower curtain. THEN I let out a scream loud enough to make the cat run and hide. :D

Shel Harrington link
3/22/2013 05:56:17 pm

Relax - you have several more years before you hit the mark where it's ludicrous to call your parents. And Maine? Have you already forgotten about those bugs that congregate under wet sponges - made one want to swear off bathing!

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Natine
3/23/2013 02:14:39 am

What I remember most is that YOU always make sure I don't see them, Shel...you just take care of them. :) No wet sponges for me!

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Sharon
3/26/2013 12:55:37 am

I am a Florida native and so I laugh at Northerners such as yourself that are squeamish about bugs. Yes, PB are nasty, and will fly right into your eye if you provoke it, but they are basically harmless and carry no more germs that your puppies. (Really, it is true.)
When I first moved to Brevard County from the far south, Miami, I was introduced to the Wolf Spider. I met my first one as I was moving into my newly purchased home. I was putting clothes into my daughters closet. We came face to face. As I began to step back from the closet, it rose on its hind legs, hissing at me and projected itself at my face. I screamed and ran to the living room, vowing to sell the house and go back to Miami!

Fast forward ten years. My husband and I were reading the paper in bed last Sunday. One of those Wolf Spiders came out from behind a painting on the wall and circled the bedroom. Finally, he found a place behind another painting and moved in. Neither of us moved to destroy the spider. (They are not insects, you know.) Hopefully, he will move outdoors soon. Me, I have to take some Tylenol PM's to sleep this week!!
By the way, keep a couple of lizards in the house. They eat all kinds of bugs.

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Natine
3/26/2013 08:25:16 am

OMG, Sharon. May have to drop you from friend list; I am TOTALLY creeped out. ANY spider is not improvement on p-bug. G would not have been sleeping if there were one in bedroom because I would not let him until it was annhialated (spelling probably wrong here.) I've got the willies now...

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cmk link
3/26/2013 08:48:27 am

Granted, we don't get too many really BIG bugs here in the north--I don't think it stays warm long enough for them to grow too big. Still, I am at war with any bug that comes within my sight. And ANYTHING with more than four legs is a bug/insect, in MY way of thinking. ;) I just can't abide the creepy, crawly things. Of course, I am horrendously terrified of anything that will sting, but that is another story for another day.

Our most annoying/hated bugs around here seem to be the black flies that keep us from enjoying the shoreline of Lake Superior at different times during the summer. (Although, the 'noseeums' could be a very close second.) These flies are MEAN and hate--or love, depending on how you look at things--people very seriously. The bite of a black fly can actually take a chunk out of your skin and will leave large bumps/welts that will take a few days to heal. Thank goodness it is usually cold enough near The Lake where you can cover up with long pants and long-sleeved shirts for protection. :D

I have considered buying a couple of geckos and turning them loose in the house to keep our bug population under control. Sadly, I don't think they would be able to live in our cold climate, even inside the house.

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Annie Bonannie
4/1/2013 07:52:03 am

Okay, we all (north and south) have to try this. Catnip and the active, nontoxic chemical it contains, nepetalactone, is said to be effective against flies, mosquitos, cockroaches (including palmetto bugs) and termites. Came across this in 10 Fun Facts About Catnip on healthypets.mercola.com. Google 'neptalactone effective against <insert your preferred bug> and sure enough plenty of links which appear to substaniate (sp?) the claim. Next time B and I go fishing I'll pack a spray bottle of catnip tea. Northern, biting black flies have been known to ruin a lovely day of fishing on the Missouri.(Bean, it's been nearly two weeks since a post. Do you need us to submit suggestions?)

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Natine
4/2/2013 03:09:45 pm

DEFINITELY going to look into that tip, Bonannie! BTW, you're featured in new column...hahahahahaha...

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Marlene
12/29/2020 07:43:08 pm

The one good thing is, the creepy things die fairly easily. Flying an landing on me is my big fear.
LOL
Good story.

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