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Year of Re- Continues

7/23/2013

12 Comments

 
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This may be the Year of the Snake for the Chinese, but for me it’s the Year of the Re-, as in re-assess, re-calibrate, re-boot, and this past weekend: reunion.

I didn’t go to the big soiree that reunited students from the first three classes of my high school’s history. From a practical perspective, accommodations and travel expenses, plus the time expenditure to make the 2340-mile round-trip, would have been disproportionate to the actual event. However, it really wasn't practicality that deterred me. It was reluctance to reacquaint myself with the long-forgotten teen-aged me.


I was quite unworldly when I transferred into the large public high school from a small parochial school. My new classmates, whose shared history dated back to elementary school, initially perceived my social insecurities as snobbishness, and despite knowing  a number of kids from my neighborhood or previous schools, I struggled to find where I fit in. I remember my high school contributions as 1) anonymously submitting an appallingly pithy poem about teenage angst to the school paper, and 2) being a swim timette (a role that did not enhance my social standing, but did allow me to wear very, very short shorts that my mother would not otherwise permit.) I graduated among the socially and academically anonymous middle of the 500+ students who comprised my class. Reflecting on those years of school-related experiences doesn’t generate a lot of inner warm fuzzies. I know I had friends, chased boys, and must have had fun, but I can’t recall specifics. What I do remember was feeling that I fell short of whatever was desirable, that I just wasn’t enough: cool enough, smart enough, pretty enough, witty enough, popular enough.

I likely wouldn’t have known about the reunion if I didn’t keep in touch with a dear friend from those years, who also happened to be part of the organizing committee. She had been active in choir, chorale, pep club, sports clubs, and student government; for her the event would be (and was) an exhilarating dance down a brightly lit memory lane full of long-ago friends. For me, however, the idea of mentally stepping back into that time kindled sparks of anxiety, as if the ghost of my teen-aged self was somehow a threat to the person I am now.

Such thinking is silly, of course. Who lives fifty-some odd years without experiencing the contrasts of highs and lows, successes and failures, joys and heartaches? I’m sure most of my former classmates – like me – have outgrown their teenage personas and found contentment in the lives they’re currently living. Ironically, the smiling faces in the Facebook party pictures could be people I see daily – in church, at work, in my social circles. They look like people I would enjoy chatting with.

So, if the opportunity presented itself again, and finances and distance were not challenges, would I go to a high school reunion?  I don’t know. But I do know the ghost of my teen-years-past will not factor into the decision.

12 Comments
Ginny
7/21/2013 04:10:08 pm

I too always felt insecure during high school,like I was looking through a screen window at my classmates.I could see and hear them but was not part of them.
Recently with all the reunion hustle and bustle I have pegged myself as a "wanna-be". There were the usual cliques during those years and although I felt there was a close bond between the members in my group,affectionately named "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs" I remember still feeling like I wanted to be popular,athletic, and one on the cool chicks who had lots of dates. Not being asked to the Senior Prom (and in those days you didn't go alone) was the final climatic event that cemented in my mind the fact that I would NEVER be one of those people.
As I have stumbled and flown through life I realize that those people did not have the characteristics that are truly important to me. Acceptance and loyalty no matter what are some of the values I hold dear. Through the years I have been blessed to still call 2 of those Dwarfs my BFF's. And as a result of the big shin-dig this weekend I am reconnecting with another.
After all the" hello's" and "good to see you's" I looked around and noticed that the majority of people who attended the reunion were NOT the cheerleaders,or football stars. Many have led successful lives and others are bearing the fruits of rough living. I pondered why the popular kids did show up and have come to the conclusion that they already had their 15 minutes of fame in high school and didn't want the rest of us to see that they too are just mortals having the same highs and lows that life throws.
As nice as it was to see former classmates I am not sure I would attend a future event of this magnitude. I am happy and content knowing I have friends who love and accept me no matter how many wrinkles I have or the size of my pants.

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Natine
7/23/2013 01:06:43 pm

Wow, Gin! It's amazing after decades of friendship that there are still things to learn about each other! How blessed am I to be one of those Dwarf (not revealing which one publicly!) BFFs. :)

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Keith
7/21/2013 05:53:20 pm

This is a very well written commentary of exactly the way I felt about going. In the end, the decision was made for me. Work got in the way of life once again and I had to be away on business.

I now feel as though I really missed out on an opportunity that may never come again. I sincerly hope there is another reunion and sooner than 10 years from now. I do keep in touch with several of my old high school buddies, but still feel like an outsider when around them. I hope that changes in the coming years.

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Natine
7/23/2013 01:17:38 pm

Thanks for the compliment, Keith - and for taking the time to read this! It never occurred to me guys might have parallel thoughts about revisiting their teen years. Perspective shift! :)

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Connie
7/22/2013 03:22:11 pm

Nicely done! I wonder just how high is the percentage of us who feel the presence of the ghost of our high school selves.

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Natine
7/23/2013 01:22:48 pm

After reading Keith's, comment, I'm thinking it could be pretty high, Connie. Apparently guys aren't immune to the ghosts of teen-years-past!

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Patty
7/23/2013 01:18:35 pm

Dear Write,
Funny how your feelings are so similar to my own feelings. Even funnier that your dear friend, the social bee, was who I looked up to adoringly as a child and teen. Just so you know I also adored her worldly friends!!!

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Natine
7/23/2013 01:28:22 pm

Well, Ms Patty, didn't you just crack me up! I am honored to count myself among the adored...hahahahahahahaha! Nice to know that growing up kind of levels the playing field, isn't it? I actually looked up to that social bee, myself. Really thought she had it so much more together than I did. I wonder if we females are hard-wired to negatively compare ourselves to each other, or if we're taught to do that. Hmmm... Thanks for the comments!

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Shel Harrington link
7/24/2013 12:04:15 pm

Oh my gosh - you WEREN'T cool??? But what about the fashion forward girlfriends? And the guitar-strumming guys? And all those neat clothes that I coveted (and tried on when you weren't around)? And the curvy figure you swore I, too, would one day have (which did happen, except my curves were below the belt - NOT what you promised!)? So I spent my early years trying to live your life and in reality, based on your description, I DID live your life. Nice to know over 3 decades later that I'm a success!

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Natine
7/30/2013 03:05:14 am

I am totally laughing here, Shel! Haven't I been telling you all along you are success???!!! Love your perspective on my past...hahahahaha

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cmk link
7/25/2013 04:50:56 pm

Ahh class reunions. K and I met the first day of kindergarten and finally got together and married 1+ years after graduation. I always have said, I keep in touch with the members of my class that I want to: I married one and the other is my BFF for 50 years. (One other classmate--K's twin is deceased, but he would be one I would have kept in touch with, also.) We went to our 10 year reunion--blah. We weren't out of school long enough for the attitude problems that plagued us all to have gone away. We also went to our 25 year reunion and that was a bit better. However, the majority of people who attended lived away from the area--those who were still there didn't even bother to come. So, I have had little to no good experiences in the school reunion department. And I'm not upset that there have been no others since the 25th.

Our high school contained grades 6-12. And the entire school had less kids than my youngest daughter's entire class--in other words, my class was very, very small. (We had less than 50 kids.) Even as such a small group, we were not a close class. There basically were two groups of kids in our school: the brains and the wild ones. I never fit in with either crowd--I was a bit of each--and high school would have been completely miserable for me (as if it wasn't anyway) if I wouldn't have had a boyfriend from 10th grade on. The best thing I can say about him was that he helped me keep my sanity during those years. I really have very few actual good memories of high school and can't understand people who think of those as 'the best days of my life.' I'm happy to say those were NOT my best days.

So, to make this comment even longer than it needs to be, I think the majority of people did the best they could to make it out of high school. For those who loved every minute of high school, I think that may be when they actually peaked and it has been downhill for them since. At least, when I truly am feeling particularly mean and nasty, I hope this is the case with all of the 'popular' girls who I equally admired and despised. ;)

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Natine
7/30/2013 03:19:57 am

I sometimes think the reason I was inspired by your blog, CMK, is because we travel down similar mental paths! Thanks for sharing your experience; you brought me right there with you! Clearly size of class isn't issue...

Although I didn't attend, the organizers' use of FB did reconnect me to a few people from that time in my life. In particular, I got to thank one woman for how well she treated me when to many of her social circle I was invisible - an opportunity I'm glad I had. Can't help but think that FB is kind of like class reunions: everyone puts their best faces forward. Hmmm...another blog idea?

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